Holiday Humor

In the spirit of the holiday season, we’ve asked some of our attorneys and administration to provide a favorite joke about their chosen profession. For the next few days, we hope to bring a little laughter to your day during this busy holiday season. Enjoy!


A burglar breaks into a lawyer’s home on Christmas Eve. He takes from under the Christmas tree all gifts addressed to the lawyer. As the burglar is leaving the house, a police officer stops him. The burglar confesses to his crime, but tells the officer he can’t be arrested. “Why?” asks the officer. “Because the law states that I’m entitled to the presents of an attorney.”

– Amy Sanders


Q: What’s the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

– Page Davidson


“A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a ‘brief.'”
Franz Kafka (1883-1924)

– Todd Rolapp


Q: Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

– Elizabeth Warren


As the lawyer awoke from surgery, he asked, “Why are all the blinds drawn?” The nurse answered, “There’s a fire across the street, and we didn’t want you to think you had died.”

– Tony McFarland


Q: What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
A: Accountants know they’re boring.

– John Kelly


Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can’t understand.

– Diane Marshall


A lawyer and his client, Joe, are heading to court. Joe sees a friend and the friend asks, “Joe, where are you going?” Joe responds, “My lawyer and I are going to court to get justice.” The lawyer turns to Joe and says, “If we get justice, we will appeal.”

– Tim Garrett


Two Scientists were working late discussing ideas about behavior modification studies. “We’ve started something new at my lab,” said the first scientist. “For some of our more dangerous experiments, we’re now using lawyers”. “Lawyers?” asks the second scientist. “Why aren’t you using rats?” “Well you know how it is,” the first scientist replies. “You can get attached to rats.”

– Eleanor Smith


An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, “We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident, the 2nd is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?”
“I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,” said the patient.
After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. “It was easy,” said the patient, “I wanted a heart that hadn’t been used.”

– Brian Iverson


A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend’s car is a total-loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, “What’s happened to your car?” “Well,” the friend responses, “I ran into a lawyer.” “OK,” says the man, “that explains the blood… But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?” “Well, I had to chase him all through the park.”

– Howard Lamar


A lawyer’s wife dies. At the cemetery, people are appalled to see that the tombstone reads, “Here lies Phyllis, wife of Murray, L.L.D., Wills, Divorce, Malpractice.” Suddenly, Murray bursts into tears. His brother says, “You should cry. I can’t believe a mistake like this has been made on your wife’s tombstone!” Through his tears, Murray croaks, “You don’t understand! They left out the phone number!”

– Kerry Price